Merry Christmas

Don & Yvonne Brock
From our home to yours.

Dealing With Grief: Five Things NOT To Say And Five Things To Say In A Trauma Involving Children

We often have no idea what to say in the face of senseless loss.  That is especially true when children are the victims of tragedy.  The tragic school shooting in Connecticut is heartbreaking in so many ways, not the least of which is the staggering loss of children.

Over the years as a hospital chaplain, I have heard some of the worst theology of my life coming from people who thought they were bringing comfort to the parents.  More often than not, they weren't.  And often, they made the situation worse.

Here are five things not to say to grieving family and friends:

1. "God just needed another angel." - Portraying God as someone who arbitrarily kills kids to fill celestial openings is neither faithful to God, nor helpful to grieving parents.
2. "Thank goodness you have other children," or, "You're young.  You can have more kids." - Children are not interchangeable or replaceable.  The loss of a child will always be a loss, no matter how many other children a parent has or will have.
3. He/she was just on loan to you from God. - The message is that God is so capricious that God will break parents' hearts at will just because God can.  It also communicates to parents and loved ones that they are not really entitled to their grief.
4. God doesn't give you more than you can handle. - Actually, some people do get a lot more than any one person should ever have to handle.  And it doesn't come from God.  Don't trivialize someone's grief with a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality.
5. We may not understand it, but this was God's will. - Unless you are God, don't use this line.

And here are five things to say:

1. I don't believe God wanted this or willed it. - A grieving friend or family member is likely hearing that this is God's will from a number of other people.  Affirm the idea that it may very well not be.
2. It's okay to be angry, and I'm a safe person for you express that anger to if you need it. - Anger is an essential part of the grieving process, but many don't know where to talk about it because they are often silenced by others when they express their feelings. (For instance, they may be told they have no right to be angry at God.) By saying you are a safe person to share all feelings, including anger, with, you help the grieving person know where they can turn.
3. It's not okay. - It seems so obvious, but sometimes this doesn't get said. Sometimes the pieces don't fit. Sometimes nothing works out right. And sometimes there is no way to fix it. Naming it can be helpful for some because it lets them know you won't sugarcoat their grief.
4. I don't know why this happened. - When trauma happens, the shock and emotion comes first. But not long after comes our human need to try to explain "why?" The reality is that often we cannot. The grieving person will likely have heard a lot of theories about why a trauma occurred. Sometimes it's best not to add to the chorus, but to just acknowledge what you do not know.
5. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I am here to support you in whatever way feels best. - Even if you have faced a similar loss, remember that each loss is different. Saying "I know how you're feeling" is often untrue. Instead, ask how the grieving person is feeling. And then ask what you can do to help. Then, do it and respect the boundaries around what they don't want help with at this point. You will be putting some control back into the hands of the grieving person, who often feels like they have lost so much of it.

[by Rev. Emily C. Heath, Huffington Post]

The Biggest Misconceptions About Grief

When it comes to dealing with grief, we’re a lot more resilient than we think we are.  According to Time magazine, a lot of our beliefs about grief come from psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who called grief a "process" – and defined the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  These stages have sometimes been misunderstood.  We will attempt to offer some clarity:

1. The biggest misconception is: We have to grieve in stages.  A new study in Journal of the American Medical Association found that most people accepted the death of a loved one from the very beginning, not at the end.  Instead of the "expected" anger or depression, they reported more of a "yearning" for their absent loved one.
2. Grief must be expressed instead of repressed?  The fact is: Expressing anger and other negative emotions can actually prolong your grief.  A study found that those who avoided confronting the loss of a spouse or child were less depressed and anxious two years later, and had fewer health complaints than those who "worked through" their grief.
3. Grief is harder on women?  That idea came from a study in the early 1970's, when women relied more on their husbands for their sense of identity and financial security.  In fact, many were full-time homemakers who didn't even know how to drive.  In a more recent study, men and women were about even.
4. Grief never ends?  Researchers today say that the worst grief is usually over in about six months.  The bereaved still missed their spouse or child, but they function normally.

Meeting Notice

The DeKalb Grief Support Group meets November 15 at 6:30 PM.  The public s invited.

The group meets on the first and third Thursday of every month at 521 Gault Avenue N in Fort Payne.

Meetings Resume!

The DeKalb County Alabama Grief Support Group resumes regular meetings on Thursday, October 4, 2012.  The Grief Support Group will be meeting at 6:30 PM on the first and third Thursday in the lobby of the Synergy Counseling Center at 521 Gault Avenue N in Fort Payne.  The public is invited.  This is a community service.